Crazy thoughts

For the past week, my head has been filled with a particular brand of crazy: grad school. I'm thinking of going back. I don't know when, but I'm thinking about it. I'm doing a mental pros and cons list. A PhD. Do I need one? Not really. Do I want one? I think so. I don't know. Yes. Maybe. Ummm, I don't know. You know what gives me pause? Having to take the GRE again if I don't apply this year. My scores are good for five years. They'll be toast by this coming February. I have such awful test anxiety. I dealt with more stress over the GRE than I did while writing my thesis. My scores are not great, though. I wonder if I should take it over again so that I have a better chance of getting into a doctoral program. What to do?

Like Spinning Plates

When I am so busy and my brain is ping-ponging, I have to remember to slow down and to mix my metaphors. I'm trying to spin plates, to eat an elephant all at once and not a bite at a time. I need to turn that around. I need to breathe. There are so many things I want to fix, to move on, to make different or better or just plain finish and I just can't do it all at the same time. When things got super crazy while I was in grad school, I had a big white board in my "office" (the far side of my bed combined with my file drawer, atop which sat my laptop) with every single second of my day mapped out. Shower, breakfast, write 10 page paper, read two plays, write responses, post to online journal, don't make your own lunch, let someone else do it, go to rehearsal, come home, read articles, write responses, stop thinking, go to sleep! This drove D crazy, but it calmed me. I had very concrete things to do and then could cross them off upon completion.

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A Study in Pointlessness

I am happy to have a job. I have rent, bills, and loans to pay, plus a wedding and a burgeoning animal kingdom for which I need funds. The job is generally mind numbing, but it does allow a good deal of time for my own writing and editing, plus it is located a mere three blocks from D’s office, so we often meet for a coffee break in the middle of the day. However. The majority of my work consists of performing tasks that any reasonably sane person would agree are idiotic. An example: at the moment, I'm collating manila folders. The kind that come pre-collated? Yes. Those. The paralegals and attorneys I work for apparently cannot just pick out the one with the tab in the place they want; they need to have tabs organized so that no two are facing the same way right next to each other. If they happen to pick a folder with the tab in the wrong place, they will throw it away. Not just put it back and pull another one with the tab in the right spot, they’ll toss it in the garbage. It baffles me that men and women who are this smart and capable cannot think past the moment they’re in to a time when they might need that folder. I am amazed at the lack of forethought. I am amazed that this lack of forethought guarantees my employment.

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Springtime, The Only Pretty Ring Time

Dear Spring,

Look, I know we don't always get along. We both know that you're only my second favorite season. You will always be a bit too muddy and never the right temperature. You are also much too short. And you let Winter and Summer walk all over you. Get a backbone, Spring! Regardless, I miss you. Winter was especially greedy this year and took more than her fair share. I am ready for sunny days that don’t require heavy coats. I am ready to open my windows without fear of snow swirling in and freezing the cat. I am ready to take walks in the park and see the dogs playing at Dog Beach because the water is FINALLY warm enough for swimming. I’m ready for you, Spring. Get here!

With love,
Esti

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Self Mandate

I need to see more theatre. I don't see enough and I really need to. How can I be an active member of this community without being part of the community? How can I know what's going on without experiencing it? Part of not seeing performances has to do with scheduling, part of it is money, part of it is ... I suppose just laziness. But my desire is to support and thrive in this community, and I believe that in order to do so, I need to get rid of my excuses and just go see things. I've known it for a long time. I think when my birthday comes around every year, I take stock and try to figure out what it is I want to accomplish before my next birthday. And of course, this is a biggie. I don't have a list of things I want to do before I'm thirty, but I do know that bringing live performance into my life on a weekly basis (at least) is something I want to have in my life and I want to instill it in the lives of my children whenever they come along. NOW is the right time to do it.

Green salad

It's always a little difficult going to eat with D's fam for the holidays because they haven't really learned how to make things without meat yet. So many things can be made with veggie stock rather than chicken. I always bring a huge side dish and make it my main dinner. One year I was told there would be a green salad, so I was happy that there would be veggies and did not bring my own. When we sat down to eat, I noticed that there was not a green salad anywhere. Instead, there was a mold of green jello with marshmallows and maraschino cherries inside. It was green. It was a salad. It was not at all what I had in mind.

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Farewell to a friend

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It's not really a mystery; it's exchanging old songs for new songs. - Steve Gelbart

Which of these two powers, love or music, can elevate man to the sublimest heights? Why separate them? They are the two wings of the soul. Hector Berlioz

Dear Steve, you were and will continue to be very loved. Thank you for the moments of inspiration and joy. You were a true friend to my family, especially my parents, who needed you to fill the Steve-shaped space in their hearts. Thank you, Steve. I can't wait to listen to your new songs.

The Owl and the Watchpig

Things I can focus on without going completely insane while waiting to lock down a location, Part 2:


I actually can do a little homework on something wedding related. D and I decided on a theme for save the date cards and invitations that will hopefully introduce the ideas of fun and creativity. We want them to spread, infect. Both mailings will include my silly drawings. Whenever D and I fall into completely separate routines, I try to write him notes in the morning or before I go to bed. Most of the notes include unrealistic drawings of round-bodied animals with huge eyes. The favorite drawings are of Smallbeak the owl (representing me) and Sargeant Facon the Watchpig (Facon is fake bacon, and a watchpig is a relative of the watchdog. He represents D). For our anniversary this year, I wrote and illustrated a short book of their adventures. As soon as we started discussing ideas for the wedding, D brought up Smallbeak and Facon. He thinks they need to be everywhere - mailings, cake toppers, on t-shirts. If we could get a roly poly pig and sweet (not screech) little owl at the reception, I think D would keel over from sheer delight. I am working on the save the dates. I need to figure out how to get Facon and Smallbeak in cake topper form.

Wedding planning and perfume

D and I are planning a wedding for this fall. Nothing seems set in stone. We need to get our location figured out before we can figure out save the date cards and invitations, the guest list is constantly undulating, and there's been some but not enough talk of what the ceremony will look and feel like. We have ideas and inspiration, but nothing for sure yet. I don't want to dictate what anyone else wears, but I've been telling people who ask that they may dress in autumnal colors, if they want. Sham is having a baby in August and is having a hard time finding a dress that will fit her post-natal body that is both long and non-black. I do have my dress. I bought it a few days before D proposed. It's long, gold, and fits for now, but will probably need to be altered before the wedding. I know I'll need a second outfit for the picnic/potluck/open mic/lovefest the next day. Having two dresses for the event makes me feel a little crazy, but wearing a fancy dress to a picnic would make me feel even crazier.

Things I can focus on without going completely insane while waiting to lock down a location, Part 1:

Perfume:

One of my deepest loves. My current favorites:

TokyoMilk's Dead Sexy

image by beautyhabit.com




Kenzo's Vintage Edition
image by stylefrizz.com

I'm nearing the end of my Vintage bottle. Should I save it up for the wedding or is it too casual for a ceremony? D's favorite perfume on me (or, at least, the only one he notices) is Dior's Hypnotic Poison, but I think it's much too heavy for the day. Should I look for something new or fall back on favorites?

These Dreams

Dream: JSto and KMoSto had a baby and instead of being in the hospital or at home, there was a hospital bed - just the mattress, really - set up on the floor behind JSto's desk at school. I came to visit them and found out that they named her Goose Smarts.



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Worrisome

A real snowstorm. How I wish for snow days again. I wish I could find a sled and run out to the hills of the park, drink hot cocoa with D, and curl up on the couch for some fluffy tv and movie viewing. Snow does not lend itself to angst and cynicism. A love story or comedy is better for today.

I need to find a specialist to help me deal with my scary illness. It’s chronic, it won’t go away by wishing, praying, hoping, and if I don’t take care of it now while I’m relatively young, it will compound and get worse as I grow older. It’s unusual for someone as young as I am to deal with this illness, which is why I think that doctors have a heightened response when they find out what I’ve been diagnosed with.

Stretching muscles

Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. – Rainer Maria Rilke

Starting a new project is, for me, like starting an exercise routine. I’m excited and nervous about my abilities and the results, both immediate and eventual. I have a difficult time focusing on the intrinsic value of what I’m doing, even though I feel the release of tension and flood of positive energy every time. I somehow forget that part.