Listening to

Florence + the Machine!

Not Myself

I'm not doing so great. I don't know if it's just the winter, the awful job, the feeling that I'm not doing much that's fulfilling or worthwhile, being far away from most friends and family for too long, or a combination of all of these things, but I'm not in a very good place. I have no motivation, I'm apathetic about most things, but I'm also crying more easily than I should. I'm an easy crier but it's getting to a ridiculous level. I'm not really sure what to do about it, and most days, I just feel stuck and passive, like there isn't anything that can be done about it. D is loving and supportive, but he's also honest with me about it. He asks me a lot if anything is wrong and told me the other day that I just haven't seemed like myself lately. I haven't been happy.

The New Year

This year I will strive to be happier, healthier, and less stressed.

To be happier:
See more plays, movies, concerts
Spend more time with friends
Read and write as much as possible
Start my own business
Make sure my marriage is as happy and strong as it can be

To be healthier:
Sleep more
Stay away from gluten
Take more walks
Spend more time outside

To be less stressed:
Spend less time worrying
Find a job that makes me feel like myself again
Organize and stay organized
Say no to some things
Don't beat myself up for things that are out of my control

Crazy thoughts

For the past week, my head has been filled with a particular brand of crazy: grad school. I'm thinking of going back. I don't know when, but I'm thinking about it. I'm doing a mental pros and cons list. A PhD. Do I need one? Not really. Do I want one? I think so. I don't know. Yes. Maybe. Ummm, I don't know. You know what gives me pause? Having to take the GRE again if I don't apply this year. My scores are good for five years. They'll be toast by this coming February. I have such awful test anxiety. I dealt with more stress over the GRE than I did while writing my thesis. My scores are not great, though. I wonder if I should take it over again so that I have a better chance of getting into a doctoral program. What to do?

Like Spinning Plates

When I am so busy and my brain is ping-ponging, I have to remember to slow down and to mix my metaphors. I'm trying to spin plates, to eat an elephant all at once and not a bite at a time. I need to turn that around. I need to breathe. There are so many things I want to fix, to move on, to make different or better or just plain finish and I just can't do it all at the same time. When things got super crazy while I was in grad school, I had a big white board in my "office" (the far side of my bed combined with my file drawer, atop which sat my laptop) with every single second of my day mapped out. Shower, breakfast, write 10 page paper, read two plays, write responses, post to online journal, don't make your own lunch, let someone else do it, go to rehearsal, come home, read articles, write responses, stop thinking, go to sleep! This drove D crazy, but it calmed me. I had very concrete things to do and then could cross them off upon completion.

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A Study in Pointlessness

I am happy to have a job. I have rent, bills, and loans to pay, plus a wedding and a burgeoning animal kingdom for which I need funds. The job is generally mind numbing, but it does allow a good deal of time for my own writing and editing, plus it is located a mere three blocks from D’s office, so we often meet for a coffee break in the middle of the day. However. The majority of my work consists of performing tasks that any reasonably sane person would agree are idiotic. An example: at the moment, I'm collating manila folders. The kind that come pre-collated? Yes. Those. The paralegals and attorneys I work for apparently cannot just pick out the one with the tab in the place they want; they need to have tabs organized so that no two are facing the same way right next to each other. If they happen to pick a folder with the tab in the wrong place, they will throw it away. Not just put it back and pull another one with the tab in the right spot, they’ll toss it in the garbage. It baffles me that men and women who are this smart and capable cannot think past the moment they’re in to a time when they might need that folder. I am amazed at the lack of forethought. I am amazed that this lack of forethought guarantees my employment.

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Springtime, The Only Pretty Ring Time

Dear Spring,

Look, I know we don't always get along. We both know that you're only my second favorite season. You will always be a bit too muddy and never the right temperature. You are also much too short. And you let Winter and Summer walk all over you. Get a backbone, Spring! Regardless, I miss you. Winter was especially greedy this year and took more than her fair share. I am ready for sunny days that don’t require heavy coats. I am ready to open my windows without fear of snow swirling in and freezing the cat. I am ready to take walks in the park and see the dogs playing at Dog Beach because the water is FINALLY warm enough for swimming. I’m ready for you, Spring. Get here!

With love,
Esti

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